DOES TIME HEAL ALL WOUNDS?

Majority of us have heard the expression, "time heals all wounds". But is this really true? Usually, when this statement is used, it is referring to some kind of misfortune or painful situation that a person has gone through, and the implication is that the emotional pain from the situation ceases with the passage of time. Nothing could be further from the truth. We know how ludicrous it would sound to tell a person with a serious physical ailment not to get treatment, so why do we think that the same does not apply when it comes to healing of emotional wounds?
If there is anything that I have learned from in my brief existence in life so far, it is that we all have a story to tell. Regardless of socio-economic status, everyone has a story to tell; everyone can recall some experience or hurt that is often kept hidden under a well crafted façade. Many times while I am at church, I find myself wondering what the story of the person sitting right next to me is. What sparked their spiritual journey? While the human soul and mind has tremendous capacity for resilience, it is also very fragile. Many of us are part of the walking wounded, carrying around with us issues and deep hurts that have never fully healed. It could have been the death of a loved one; betrayal by a family member or close friend; a bitter and contentious divorce; the loss of a job; a traumatic accident or event; physical or mental abuse...the list could go on and on. Whatever it is, however, if it is not dealt with appropriately, there can be negative effects on the quality of one's life later on. Inevitably, time on its own heals nothing. And if we take our issues and neatly sweep them under the rug, they will eventually surface again one way or another if not appropriately dealt with. The tribulations of life can teach us a lot, but they must be dealt with in order to live a fruitful life in the future. If we choose to hold on to the mantle of bitterness and disillusionment that often comes with these events, we may find ourselves crumbling in a prison of our own creation down the road.

I think that we men are often more guilt of “holding things in” than ladies are. As a man, I have often held on to the misguided clichés about a man being able to take everything in life in stride. You’ve heard the clichés rooted in male pride – real men don’t cry; real men have thick skin, real men are problem solvers, not whiners etc – and it has been a humbling experience for me to find myself in those situations where I had to swallow my pride and realize that I was stuck and needed help. For years, I thought that if I simply ignored the grief and sadness that I felt after my mother’s suicide when I was young, everything would be alright. So I ignored it, did not talk about it for decades, and even tried to convince myself that it did not really happen. After all, it was in the past, and what has happened has happened, and there is nothing we can do about it, so why fret over the past? But grieving and/or dealing with one’s pain is not a matter of dwelling on the past, it is simply a matter of being totally honest with oneself about one’s own emotional pain and vulnerability and not holding that pain inside. I don’t think that it is a coincidence that “hurting people often hurt other people”; people who have been abused and do not deal with the pain from that abuse tend to be perpetrators of that same abuse later on in life. R & B star Chris Brown has been honest in the past about how he witnessed domestic abuse growing up; so how ironic that even though he wanted to break that cycle of violence, he would find himself the perpetrator of that same kind of abuse against his ex-girlfriend Rihanna? Now, under court supervision and probation, he is forced to confront his issues with the help of counseling and other support systems. I wish him well and hope that he and Rihanna find the healing that they need.

“Time heals all wounds” is a very dangerous and erroneous cliché. Let us not buy into lies like these which imply that we can just “get over it” without help and support. My sense of compassion for others has come from being broken by my own tribulations and yet having received the love and compassion from others, strength that I needed to go on and pay it forward.

Stephen Oladotun Akinduro