Shame's antidote.

It is easy to feel a sense of shame in our fast-paced and judgmental society, where everyone in the world and blogosphere seems to be a judge of character. People often misjudge others for a variety of reasons; it could be due to a perceived flaw in physical appearance: too dark, too pale, to fat, too short etc; it could be due to a perceived failure in the job force due to a layoff or being unemployed on underemployed (a big issue in our weak economy); or it could even be because of life's difficulties that have made a person believe that they are unworthy of love- that they're somehow cursed or damned. Yes, life can be cruel, and in an age where everyone with access to a PDA (personal digital assistant) - smart phone, laptop or regular ol' PC - is judge and jury, people can really be mean when it comes to the other people. So much so that State's are now considering laws banning cyber-bullying because of the pressure that many teenagers are facing from their peers and others online.

Have you ever met a person who supposedly had everything going for them, only to get to know them personally and realize that internally they are filled with so many insecurities and doubts? Have you ever met a lady that was beautiful enough to be Miss Universe, only to realize after speaking to her at length that she doesn't even consider herself pretty? I often kid many of my lady friends that I am yet to meet a woman who is completely satisfied with the way she looks; I mean with all the pressure that is put on ladies and girls with airbrushed photos on magazine covers, it is easy to see why there is so much pressure to look a certain way!! There is pressure to attain that illusion of beauty that is simply impossible to reach.

The word "shame" is often used interchangeably with the word "guilt" but there are some fundamental differences between the two words. As an example, if I lie to someone and eventually feel bad about what I did, that is guilt, an emotion stemming from bad behavior. If I feel unlovable no matter what, and push people away because of my sense of unworthiness, that is shame. Guilt is primarily an emotion stemming from doing something wrong or having bad thoughts. Shame is an emotion dealing with one's being, resulting in thoughts that basically say something like, "you are worthless, no wonder nobody loves you." It may not even be that coarse, but may even be more subtle, something like "don't let anyone really get to really know you, otherwise you will be rejected". Shame cuts to the core of who you are.

I am a huge fan of the MTV show "If you really knew me". I happened to be channel surfing one night when it came on, and was pleasantly surprised watching an episode. In the show, mentors from a program called Challenge Day go into a high school and walk students from various backgrounds and cliques through a program that seeks to break down the walls and barriers that people put up to hide the real-them. It is interesting to see kids who generally want nothing to do with one another because they think they are so different from other kids (cool kids, jocks, cheerleaders, nerds, Gothic, blacks, whites, Latina, etc) come to embrace each other after they get to see the other kids' fears and insecurities, many of which they all share in common. For instance, in one episode, there was a gifted young high school quarterback talking about how even though he was a good at what he did on the football field, he hated football and only played it because it helped him with his insecurity around beautiful girls and him being a great athlete brought female attention. For more about the show you can check out their website and even watch episodes:

http://www.mtv.com/shows/if_you_really_knew_me/series.jhtml

But where does shame come from and what can be done about it? As for the where it comes from, I guess the answer would probably vary depending on whom you are talking about. It could be a traumatic event that has been internalized;it could be from verbal or physical abuse; it could be from negative messages given to that person from adults when the person was young; it could just be from dealing with the trials that come with life. Inherently we all want to feel good about ourselves, and it often takes about 4 or 5 positive messages to counter that one great and positive message that we hear about ourselves. I don't know why this is, but this just goes to show how fragile the emotional psyche can be.

In the book of Romans, Paul says,"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith...we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God." (Romans 5:1-2, emphasis mine)Where does this peace come from? Our performance, or the fact that we have all of our ducks in a row? No. Our ability to impress God or each other with our ability (more like attempts) to keep the Ten Commandments? No. This internal peace comes from God's grace that not only wipes out our sins and makes God to look at us through the prism of His son, Jesus, but also gives us a new identity, child of God. To be fair, let me also state that I can write about this all day long, but if we don't get living and breathing examples of this in our everyday lives, it is almost for naught, because we can know something intellectually, but if we don't see it by example from other people, it does not permeate into our hearts. This is why God equated loving Him with loving others, you can't have one without the other. We can pray and shout and jump up and down in church all day along proclaiming how much we love God, but to see someone hurting and shame-ridden and not show that same love that we proclaim, is like someone saying that they are champion Formula-1 race care driver but have never even been in a Formula-1 car or even driven one.

When we get to appreciate how much God loves us and His washing away of our shameful identity with His loving kindness, as we see this love demonstrated in our lives in a variety of ways (other people, blessings, pets, etc), we are slowly able to better show this love to others and realize what it means where it says "we love because He first loved us." God does not look at us as condemned individuals, because of Jesus, so why should we let the fickle opinions of others determine our self worth?

Peace and love,

Stephen O. Akinduro
Columbus GA