Sex, Sexuality & the Church

It is very difficult for people in the church to have an honest dialogue about sex. Even in the 21st century, we still have a hard time dealing with the paradoxes of human nature when it comes to this topic. On one hand, there are those who would love to profess the fact that we (Americans) are a nation founded on Judeo-Christian virtues, but we are also, on the other hand, a nation that uses sex sexuality not only to procreate, but for pleasure and to sell everything under the sun. It is only when there is some sex-scandal, usually involving a leader of the religious community, that a dialogue about sex ensues.

This is what is happening now with the whole allegations of homosexual affairs that are plaguing Bishop Eddie Long of New Birth Missionary Baptist Church in Atlanta. To be clear, I don’t know what happened between Bishop Long and the young men who are alleging he coerced them into sex, so I don’t want this essay to seem like I am casting aspersions on anyone. This is a sad case really, because Bishop Long is a married man with a wife and kids and if the allegations are true, there will be psychological scars in the lives of his family, his church members and the victims. I just pray that each and every person involved in this case can find some peace, healing and discover the grace and love of God in new ways.

Why is it so hard to have an honest conversation about sex amongst church-folk? Why do we think that if we just tell people who are not married to just "not do it", we can easily solve the problem of sexual lasciviousness? Why is it so hard to talk about something that deals with our innate being, something that most of us enjoy, but often like to pretend we don't do? I am no expert, so I can only speculate, and the main reason I think sex is such a taboo subject is that the Bible has clear mandates when it comes to sex. Take a look at this verse:

“Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people—none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God.” 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 (NLT)

This verse makes it quite clear that any kind of sexual sin – fornication (having any kind of sex when you aren’t married), adultery (for married persons who have sex with anyone other than their spouse) or homosexuality (sexual relations with a member of the same sex) – are all wrong. Jesus took these commands to the next level of the heart saying that any man who looked at a women lustfully has already committed adultery in his heart with her (Matthew 5:28). These are very harsh and stringent commands by any standard and I am sure if that each one of us that is reading my typed words were to be honest with ourselves, we have all at some time broken at least one of these laws. This is not to say that there are no virgins left above the age of 18 or 21, but when you take into account Jesus' definition of lust being the same thing as doing the deed, we have all broken at least one of these laws. Remember the hot water that former president Jimmy Carter got into when he told Playboy magazines in 1976 that even though he had not cheated on his wife, he has lusted in his heart. His exact quote was, “I've looked on a lot of women with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times.... This is something that God recognizes, that I will do and have done, and God forgives me for it.”
source: http://www.arts.mcgill.ca/history/faculty/troyweb/courseweb/jimmycartertheplayboyinterview.htm

But if it is true that we have all practically violated God's law when it comes to sex, why do we put the sin of homosexuality on such a higher pedestal in relation to the other sexual sins, when we all know people (if we are not the persons ourselves) who are having sex with their boyfriend/girlfriend outside of marriage, shacking up, or maybe even having a heterosexual affair, but we seem to give them a subtle pass? I am not a virgin, I have had a number of girlfriends since my first sexual relationship at age 18. There are times when I wish I had waited till I got married, but let’s be honest, the elephant in the room that no one likes to talk about it that “sex feels great”! There are few things more pleasurable than having sex with the one you love; some would argue that you don’t even have to love em’, as long as you have great sex with them.

The point I am getting at with all of this is not to excuse sexual sins or any other sin. Like many other people, I have had to confront my own homophobia or the belief that I was better than someone who was gay/bisexual/transgender because that was not my sexual orientation. But I have also had to deal with the paradoxes in my own life, the fact that I have had sex, several times, and yet never been married. And this does not even count the lust part that Jesus mentioned. I guess you could say that I could have just gotten married to one of the ladies and saved myself from the sin part. But I was not mentally or financially prepared for the commitment that comes with marriage, so I did the selfish thing, or “we” (the lady and me) did the selfish thing. But I am not the first one to walk down this road. Solomon was married to almost all of his women (700 of them), except for the 300 other mistresses he had on the side: "concubines", I believe they were called (1 Kings 11:1-3).

Why do I bring all of this up? Well, for one, if there is one lesson that we can learn from the whole Bishop Eddie Long scandal is that we should never put our spiritual leaders on such a high pedestal that we forget that they are all human beings. When we do this, it not only leads to self-righteousness (the antithesis of grace or unconditional love and compassion) but it totally devastates the congregation when allegations like this are made, and eventually leads some to a faith-crisis.

The second lesson that I get from all this is that whenever we put the message of God’s grace to the back burner of our Christian faith, we always run into the risk of casting aspersions on some while applying self-righteousness (I am good because I supposedly don’t sin as badly as someone else) to ourselves. Romans 3:20 makes it explicitly clear that the only thing that the Law(s) of God can do are act as a mirror to show us our sinfulness.

The raw fact is that we are nation/people of paradoxes. We embrace morality, but we sin every day. We desire sexual purity and chastity but we produce more pornography and sexually explicit material than any other nation in the world (a 12 billion dollars a year business, and this is a low estimate) and use sex as a marketing tool. We are sexual beings and trying to deny it only leads to trouble and hypocrisy.

As an exercise, before we think of condemning someone else because of their sexual practices, think of when the last time you seriously thought about each one of the laws I have stated below, most of them laws that we hardly even focus on these days. And remember, the Bible makes it clear that if you break just one law, you are just as guilty as the person who has broken all of them (James 2:10):

1. Exodus 35:2 states that anyone who works on the Sabbath must be put to death; do I do it myself or call the cops? And remember the Sabbath is from sunset Friday night until sunset on Saturday night.

2. Leviticus 11:10 says that you can’t eat any fish without scales or fins, like Shrimp, crabs or catfish.

3. Leviticus 19:27 says that you can’t cut facial hair on the side of your head or even trim your beard.

4. Leviticus 11:6-8 says that you should not even touch the carcass of a dead pig; does that mean all NFL players are going to hell?

5. Leviticus 19:19 says that you should not plant seeds of two different kinds on the same field, and also you can’t wear clothing made from two different fabrics

6. Leviticus 24: 10-16 says that we should take all those who cuss or blaspheme and stone them to death.

7. Deut. 22:5 – a woman must not wear men’s clothing and vice verse.

8. Deut 22:20-21 – if a woman is not a virgin when married, she should be stoned to death (I would have been dead long time ago).

9. Judges 19 – sanctions the rape and misogyny of women, so does Genesis 19:6-8 where Lot offers his daughters to rapists even though Lev 19:29 says not to defile your daughter by making her a prostitute.

10. Leviticus 15:19-24 specifically states that you can’t have any contact, not even a touch with a woman during her period.


The real issue I am trying to emphasize is not that we need to become more legalistic, but that we realize that everyone cherry picks from the Bible for their own agenda, thus negating the message that "God's love for us has nothing to do with our performance in regard to the Law, because no one is really obeying His laws!"

Please, friends, let us get back to the primary tenet of the Gospel, we all need God’s love and forgiveness. I know I do, and I am glad He showers it on me freely. Without His grace, I would have no hope!!

Peace and Love,

Stephen  Dotun Akinduro