The definition of a man

"The mind of man plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps." Proverbs 16:9 (NASB)

What does a real man look like? Who best represents the definition of a real man? Does he resemble the fictional icons we see in movies, seemingly impenetrable characters made famous by action heroes played by the likes of Clint Eastwood (Dirty Harry), Richard Roundtree & Samuel L. Jackson (Shaft), Sylvester Stallone (Rocky, Rambo), Denzel Washington (Training Day), Bruce Willis (Die Hard)? Usually, Hollywood uses a lot of creative license to portray these kinds of action figures as one-dimensional, because after all, these are entertaining figures and movie studios are trying to make money. To be fair, some movies do capture the complexities that reflect contemporary manhood, but I can almost guarantee that those kinds of movies are usually independent movies and not blockbuster productions.

I bring up this question of manhood reflecting on an article from Newsweek magazine that I read earlier in the year. I have attached the article here if you would like to read it:
http://www.newsweek.com/2010/09/20/why-we-need-to-reimagine-masculinity.html

In the article, there is mention of the fact that for the first time in our history in America, there are more women than men in the workforce. In college, for every two men, there are three women enrolled. While men still occupy most leadership roles, more and more women are leading companies, both large and small. In an economy that still generally pays men more than women for the same job, it makes business sense to get rid of the man first to save money, and this is what many corporations did at the start of this recession (I know, the "expert" economists say that the recession is over, but it sure does not feel like it to many).

Today, in many households, men are not only making less money than their women, but in many cases women are the primary breadwinners, and this has done something to the ego of those who have traditionally placed their value and worth in how much they made and what professional title they had. So what does this mean for the men who are partnered with these women? Is Stedman less of a man because Oprah makes most of the money in their relationship? Is Todd Palin less of a man because Sarah Palin makes more money than him? Of course, some would argue that these are exceptions and not the rule and that there are those "trifling men" who don't work, don't want to work, or don't work hard enough. That is another discussion altogether.

In the African-American community , the crisis of absentee fathers and so few male role models is quite bad: about 72% of black children are born to single parent homes and usually raised by their mothers. I believe that there are a host of social, political and spiritual reasons that have led to this (I could write a thesis on that subject), but the bottom line is that there is a shortage of black male role models for young African American kids. Having said that, it reminds me of why I am such a huge fan of president Obama,. If nothing else (even if you disdain his politics) he is a great example that, yes, in America, no matter your racial heritage, you can truly be anyone or anything that you desire, including president; his love for his wife, Michelle Obama, and kids (Sasha and Malia) shines through when he is with them. In an age where there are still so many negative images of black men in America (watch your local 6pm news), this is a breath of fresh air. And the good news is that this is not a re-run of the Cosby show, this is real life. Having said that, however, I realize that even president Obama is not perfect (I san hear conservatives say, "I know he's not perfect, he's a liberal"..lol), and to expect everyone to aspire to be president is not realistic, because we are not all called into politics.

Traditionally, a man was defined as the primary breadwinner in a home - the leader and provider - who brought home the bacon and served as the spiritual head of the home. I grew up with a patriarchal view of manhood that was tied exclusively to his ability to perform in terms of bringing home the "bread" and leading in that regard. Real men were supposed to be able to conquer all and God forbid they had issues, they knew how to pick themselves up by the "boostraps" and get over them. It wasn't too long ago that men were the only ones in the home that worked while the mother was the primary homemaker: taking care of the kids, cooking and doing almost all the household duties. I have seen, however, that in today's economy, this is not always feasible. It usually takes two incomes just to "make it" in today's economy, and with more women working, it requires that more men take on some of the domestic duties, if not being stay at home dads altogether, something that was a slap to manhood "back in the day".

Another issue that I have had to deal with in my own life is seeing how emotional trauma can affect one's life in ways that if not dealt with, can have serious negative consequences. I have seen how unresolved issues in my life almost brought me to a tragic end at an early age. When I tell you that I have looked death directly in the eyes, I mean it. I know how fragile life is. Thank you God for your Amazing grace and mercy.

These and other factors have led to a paradigm-shift in my definition of manhood over the past few years. I realized that the traditional patriarchal definition has its faults, flaws that are too numerous to mention in one blog-entry. But the most obvious one is that it leads to a kind of subtle self-righteousness and sense of entitlement because patriarchy has always ultimately been oppressive, hence the feminist movements and so on. God knows how many women are part of the "walking-wounded" because of the hurtful experiences that they have gone through with patriarchal and oppressive men.

Jesus, is, ultimately my current model for manhood, and I will talk more about that in my next blog entry, my last for the year 2010. Obviously, His standard is impossible to keep at all times, hence our need for God's grace. But because of Him, love is made alive in my soul and hope grows even in my darkest hours.

When I look at the men throughout history whom I view as role models, the quality that I admired the most was being able to be vessels of love in the face of serious adversity, adversity that would normally produce hatred and bitterness. Lord knows that we need more love in our society today; technology is great, wonderful even, but it comes with it's own set of unique challenges (cyber-bullying being the most recent issue), but there is so much dissension and hatred, and pity there is no device that can be created to teach us how to love one another. So much analysis of problems, not enough solutions, so much hopelessness, not enough examples of hope (especially in the media). Yesterday marked the 30th anniversary of John Lennon's death, and to many he was a revolutionary for love, even though he was not religious. He, like many, yearned for a world where love, not war, would be the norm.

For me, manhood has nothing to do with being perfect, and less today to do with one's financial portfolio (if so, God help all those men married to women who make more than them.) A real man is able to be authentic about his strengths and weaknesses, as only God's grace allows us to truly be "real", otherwise we are always hiding behind the mask of self-righteousness. I am all too aware of my imperfections and where I fall short, in fact I need to learn to apply the same grace that I talk about to myself, because I tend to self-flagellate too much. if you point out a flaw in me, chances are I have highlighted that flaw with a bright marker several times already.

For me, a real man is a a loving man who uses his gifts to humbly serve others, at home and in the community; and to love is to embrace the message of God's grace. To embrace God's message of grace is to embrace His ethos of compassion and forgiveness, because I realize how much He has forgiven me of, being all too aware of my own fallibility and flaws; this is what eventually leads to humility and my connection with other struggling people, because we all have our share of personal struggles.

Peace & love
Stephen O. Akinduro

PS: the attached song has nothing to do with this subject. I just love it, especially this performance. Usher is truly the man, and we share the same birthday, October 14th.